Our first interview subject in this series is Fred.
Mr. Fred Jenkins-Downie
Let’s begin, shall we?
WOOF: Fred! Look, I have your pig.
FRED: I see that. I would certainly love to play with that.
WOOF: No problem. Just get up on your couch and help us fill out this little bio.
(Flash of black and tan fur…)
WOOF: Fred, are you ready?
FRED: <squeak, chomp, squeak>
FRED: Do you want to play with my pig?
WOOF: Not right now Fred. Right now we need you to fill out the form so everyone knows your vital statistics.
(Fred picks up a pencil and gets to work. We did not document this because he asked us not to.)
QUICK FACTS ABOUT FRED (by Fred)
PARENTS: Lisa and Terry (I love them so much! They feed me and pet me and love me and I love them so much!)
BREED: Welsh Terrier I’ve been told.
AGE: 3 years, 8 months my parents tell me but I don’t feel a day over 2
WEIGHT: 17 pounds and proud of it
SEX: boy dog
INTERESTING FACT: allergic to wheat but many treats don’t contain wheat… did you know hot dogs are wheat free so if you want to give me a hot dog I could eat it
NEUTERED?: no comment
PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT: fully vaccinated and didn’t cry once
WOOF: Thank you, Fred! Now, please sit down for the formal interview.
WOOF: Very good! Now let’s go!
WOOF: No, Fred we’re not going anywhere! Stay there and try to answer these questions.
FRED: Will there be toys involved?
WOOF: Soon, Fred. First question: what’s the hardest thing about being a dog?
FRED: It’s great being a dog!
WOOF: Really? There’s nothing at all? We know you always seem happy but there must be something that bothers you. How was your puppyhood?
FRED: My puppyhood was great! But there might be one thing that’s hard! Not being able to play with my toys. Can we play with my toys? I’ve lined them up on the chair so you can throw them several times and I can run and catch them and then you can throw them again several times.
(Flying leap off the couch.)
WOOF: Fred, you’ve knocked my camera sideways.
WOOF: The camera…it’s sideways.
FRED: What’s sideways?
WOOF: Never mind. Let’s continue. Please resume your seat on the couch.
WOOF: Great, but the camera is still broken.
FRED: I’m sorry, you seem preoccupied with that thing you’re holding. Meanwhile, I have one question for you: can I have my toy?
WOOF: (sigh) Of course.
FRED: <squeak, squeak>
WOOF: Well, Fred, we think that should do it. Thank you very much for the interview.
FRED: Wait, that’s it?
WOOF: Well, yes – we think we’ve tired you out. And the camera is still broken. Is there something else?
FRED: Yes, I had borrowed a scarf so you could take my official portrait.
WOOF: Okay Fred, but the camera is still broken. The picture will be be sideways. Is that ok?
FRED: What’s sideways?
And that was our first Interview with Your Dog, starring Fred.
Tune in next time –
Maybe YOUR DOG will be next!