5. You wonder if your dog is mad at you.
Any sign my dog gives me that doesn’t communicate unconditional and complete adoration, I interpret as negative commentary on me as a human being. I obsess: what’s she mad about? What did I do? A turned back, a still tail, cool indifference – it all tells me I’m just no good anymore, and she knows it. Overcompensation (squeaky voice, unsolicited treats, unplanned walks) ensues and soon I can bask in the glow of her good will and happiness again.
4. At a party, you talk to the dog instead of the people.
I don’t mind talking to people – I really don’t. But if there is a dog at a party, I find myself on the floor, ruining my dress and running my stockings, saying things like, “And how was YOUR day?” Trying to impress them with my jokes. “Lame party, am-I-right?” (Raised hand for a high five.) I rarely can take a compliment given by a human, but the slightest tail flutter from a dog I just met fills me with joy and validation.
3. One glance from your dog can send you into a shame spiral.
This is about how your dog totally depends on you. Did they go potty? Do they have water? (Is it fresh enough?) Is someone in their bed? (The outrage referenced above). I am in charge of her life and her comfort. And as any busy human knows, you sometimes just don’t have time to go on a hike before work! And I can not take the pressure, okay? Okay, Lady? Keep your scathing looks to yourself. (Sorry sweetie, I didn’t mean that. Here’s a cookie. Mommy loves you.)
2. You irrationally dislike any dog who (seems to) dislike your dog.
You love your dog and therefore every living organism should also love your dog. Forget that dogs are individuals with their own preferences. Forget that your dog may have done something that dog didn’t like. Forget that they’re dogs, and you shouldn’t be judging an animal with your anthropomorphic BS. My logical brain knows disliking a dog for dissing my sweet and perfect girl is insane. But my gut knows that dog is stuck up and wouldn’t know an awesome friend if she bit her on the nose.
And NUMBER 1 (and most embarrassing): You’ve had the thought: if I could have birthed her, I would have.
She’s beautiful, she’s smart and I’m proud of her. Why wouldn’t I be honored to be her bio-mom? (Honored and very famous on talk shows, probably.) She looks like me a bit. Don’t you think?
Are you a crazy dog person too?
